SELFISH

                                                                                                          I CALL YOU SELFISH

This is what I know about you, about your kind of love. 
You are selfish. Your love is fake.
Selfish is falling inlove with the idea of me but lacking the maturity to handle the reality of me.
Selfish is, you saw me and you wouldn't just admire and pass by.
You wanted!
You chased!
You caught up with me and if we would role play, you will be Boaz and I Ruth.
And I fell for you. I mean who wouldn't? With all the good act you put up?
I fell for your sorry-az. 
I fell for your stupid-az.
I fell for your lying-az.
I. I. I fell for your cheating-az.
Your deceptive-az.
I fell for you.
I fell for you with my all and you caught me and had me.
You made the world go a little bit faster and I didn't mind it all. I loved it.
In a hurry, you took your time.
You took your time in asking my all.
My secret. My pain. My shame. My laughter. My all.
Because you knew. You knew you wouldn't be staying for a long run but you couldn't leave with me still being a mystery.
You couldn't,...no wait you could. You didn't want to leave with the present still unwrapped.
You unwrapped me.
Layer after layer and it was okay because I trusted you.
I was a pack of beauty, sincerity, love, pride, laughter, smiles, mixed with a strong unsureness about the entire universe. A wall of arrogance built to scare everyone away, a need to please, an insecurity that stings, sadness, tears and hurts that trails back.
But you see, from the distance you couldn't see all that so you had to come close.
You saw me and like David with Uriah's wife, you had to have.
You saw me like a child in the mall with his mum not minding the fact he has a room filled with toys, he had to have the spider man on the counter.
You wanted me but never needed me. Never!
You unwrapped me and made me feel at home and I felt this is it.
I felt heard after a lifetime of silence.
It didn't take long before i started pouring it all out on you. Everything that made me.
And you listened but not with an intention to understand, just so you could have something to say.
You held me when it hurt and I cried not because you understood my tears because I remember the looks on your face like you didn't get it. you didn't get me.
Probably it was because you like the feel of my flesh on yours when I crumbled under you.
I remember how you would cuddle me like a child and your fingers would speak languages only my skin understands.
And even if it doesn't take the pain away, it made me shush and that's all you really wanted.
I remember days i waited for your lips to drip words that would ease my aching heart but they slowly sought for mine in a kiss.
Oh, how many times i tried telling you to not kiss me but talk.
Oh well, I liked it when you held me and kissed me.
Like Taylor Swift, i knew you were trouble and I wouldn't do anything.
You didn't want all the messy and sticky tapes that came with the present. I mean who keeps that?
SELFISH!!!
I was human dumbass.
Did you ever think that just maybe am human?
I was too much shine to be left alone right?, that's why you stopped by in the first place.
And when you have heard it all and seen it all and you felt like i had nothing more to offer.
Your curiosity was satisfied.
You had my hair, my secrets and skin with you and you decided it was time for something else.
SOMETHING ELSE!
I remember the day you decided you have had enough of me.
"Just go" you said amidst vain tears.
You see the thing with selfish people, you all believe you are good people so crying is a norm.
"You deserve better than me" you whispered into my ears as I held unto the hug I wished would never end.
And you let go.
I stood there bamboozled.
"One day you're screaming your love aloud, the next day you're so cold"
I asked why but you didn't even know the answer. 
You saw me and you got curious and you just had to try. 
"I want you to know when it lasted, I really did love you" You said before you shut the door.
Yea sure you did.
Curiosity does that. It gives you excitement about something. Makes you feel for something. Fear. Love. You just feel until you satisfy your curiosity.
The thing is, am not a thing. You are not a thing. Nobody is.
You see, selfish people don't know that.
They gamble human beings just so they can make their weak little self feel powerful.
One minute you are everything, the next you are just "it's in the past now"
SELFISH!!!
The hours I spent crying in the bath tub thought me that humans can't be washed away so easily.
I still felt the part of you still hidden inside of me. 
The part you shoved down my throat when you kissed me.
And I cried as memories won't just go away.
Remember those walls I built?
The ones you tore down?
The ones everybody calls pride and arrogance?
The ones that made me so mysterious?
Yes, those ones. It wasn't pride. It's cause of this. 
So I won't wake up one morning writing this or listening to Adele.
So I won't be left with memories and an emptiness. 
Because to miss is hard. Pain is not cool.
Because it's better to have a hole but not feel empty than to have an emptiness caused by the absence of someone who once filled it.
It's because of you Prince Asshole.
You see one thing about selfish people, they never really loved you and they have no idea. 
They willl swallow you up and promise forever and once your entire life starts unfolding and it becomes real that you are human and you have a world and a life and being with you involves taking care of two lives, they spit you out like you are poison in their mouth.
Like you and your heart are worth nothing.
And you will be left behind as they move on.
Just like the child at the mall would throw away spiderman for Transformer's toys.
It would hurt a whole lot and you will have to pick up the pieces of your life slowly and some day bump into them only to hear "You have changed."
What did you think?
Who ever said that I'm obligated to be the same person I was 5 minutes ago?
Who ever said I wasn't made to grow from glory to glory?
Right there and then, all of a sudden they are sorry and have missed you!
STILL SELFISH!!!
This is what I know about selfish people.
"Even when they know they will hurt you they walk into your life to taste you because you are the type of being they don't want to miss out on.
You are too much shine not to be felt
So when they have gotten a good look at everything you have to offer and they realize how real this is, how much of a storm you are and it hits them. That's when the cowardice sets in and that's when the person you thought they were is replaced by the sad reality of who they are" _Rupi Kaur

Hello Everyone that just read the above piece,
Yesterday a friend of mine said "I don't know how you want your blog to grow if you don't post regularly" and my reply was OH WELL!
I have been writing that piece since sunday morning when one of my very good friend called me to cry about a relationship problem. I don't think she would want me to give details here so I won't.
She was a shoulder to cry on when i experienced something similar so it broke my heart to hear her cry so I wrote a piece for her. For me and for everyone who has had to deal with a selfish person.
It was never your fault.
Sugar bun, I know you will read this cause i asked you to go read it.
Am sorry you met Prince Asshole. I love you so much and you totally rock!!!