He would stop me when I was busy going around my business just to mimick the way I walk then after a few seconds he would burst into laughter and I would try all my best to smile then hiss and walk away like I didn't care but I did. He would walk like someone was trying to bow and walk at the same time shooting his butt out so I kinda got the impression that my butt was too big and each time I was walking past a group of boys especially if Ayo was amidst them, I did the awkward movement of trying to tighten my butt and straightening my shoulders while walking.
Ayo made me become so butt conscious and insecure at a very young age. It got worse when I had a crush on the head boy Musa. He was so tall and fair (If you are reading this and you went to primary school with me at Glory and Praise International School Kuje Abuja, you know Musa was the boy of every girl's dreams) whenever Musa was walking past me, I would stand still so he won't see me walk or worse see my butt. I did this all through my years in G & P and yes, Musa never noticed me and till date he probably doesn't know 10years old me had a crush on him. Hahaha!
Ayo lived in the same area with me and I met him in same Junior Secondary School, his torments didn't stop and that was when I started a " Surgery To Do List" and number one on the list was
1) My BUTT.
I wanted a flatter butt like the girls in my class. Like most of us did with insecurities, I closed my eyes and waited until the years went by and the item number two came into the list for me
2) My boobs
At some point in Senior Secondary School, my butt became okay but my boobs weren't. I could wear the same shirt with a friend and my version will turn out "indecent". You would always find me wearing a camisole under every dress to look more appropriate.
I think my highest point came when a boy I liked called it off with a major reason that I was "seductive".
I spent weeks feeling bad and hating the way I looked then at some point I forgot about him (well there is always going to be another boy).
I remember falling inlove with some new bras I got so I took several pictures of how they looked good on me and decided to picmix some of my favourites and the devil visited.
If you are very familiar with PICMIX app, you will relate to what happened next. So I picmixed and saved on me phone and went about my business and hours later, boredom took me to Facebook and on my notification bar, a red circle with 70 in it indicating that I had 70 NEW NOTIFICATIONS was what caught me.
So I clicked on it and as usually a drop down menu is what you get next and all the "bla bla bla commented on your photograph" led to one picture.
My Bra PicMix Pictures.
I remember my heart almost jumping out of my chest and me swallowing hard as if to push it back before reading the comment (at this point, I felt bad and ashamed)
If you went to a secondary school like my alma mata where wearing trouser, earrings and make up was a sin and no female on trouser was let into the school even mothers, you will understand that even after graduation the school doesn't let you go into the world that easy. Fellow graduates and other students will stalk your life as if they were waiting for the first person to go rogue and posting a bra pix on Facebook months after graduation was definitely going rogue. You will (like I did) get lots and lots of condemnation, insults, slut-shaming and most of them will tell you how much of a disgrace to the school you were. That was all I got. Well a few guys thought I had great boobs.
Funny thing is as I read more and more comments, I realised all I wanted to do was take more pictures and post some more and break free. I started laughing at some point especially when a guy said " will you shamelessly close those two peanuts of yours" and I had fun clapping back and finally I took down the picture. I can't find the picmix but I found one from the mix. Here it is.
(This picture was taken with a low resolution (if that's what it's called) phone years ago so forgive it's almost blurriness)
How did the picture get there?
Well that's what happens when you download an app and during installation, you just tick boxes without reading probably like how I ticked the box that said "Automatically upload pics to facebook bla bla bla"
After my Facebook scandal with my friends and ex class mates, I discovered how much I loved taking pictures of myself on bra (never picmixing), I started loving my boobs (which by the way weren't that big afterall), I wore less camisole, I became confident wearing more skin (and I covered the times I didn't feel so confident.
A major boost to my confidence came from my best friend and her amazing sisters who called my boobs "heavenly mountains". In fact I can't remember when last I wore a camisole under a dress because my boobs made me feel "indecent".
I carried my boobs proud and high and loved it.
>>>a few months ago, my roommate called my butt flat and it reminded me of my "Surgery To Do List" and no she was lying I know I have great butt (and if I don't, I will squat my way to greatness)
I think the point is we all might have a part of us we probably want to change or improve or anything but you have got to understand that with or without it, you still are yourself.
I for one would loveeeeeee to loose my belly fat but I know wether am all bloated or skinny, I will always remained this big head who loves to write stories, who is inlove with Sharon Ibenu Ojonugwa Mamah, who love bitterleaf soup and whose favourite hobby is making out and cooking.
And each time I see a skinny girl showing off her flat tummy, I always smile to God with " You know why you didn't give me those, you knew I would never put on a dress. Bikini all day, everyday"
But above it all, I'm so grateful for how far I have grown. From a girl who hated her body to a girl who doesn't spare any chance to show off and love her body.
It probably is indecent to most of you but to me who spent 19years hating herself, it is growth.
I love me.
Nolonger Boobs, butt why?
Now Boobs, butt yayyyy!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment