Dear lesbian bestfriend

Dear lesbian best friend,

I remember the first day you told me you kissed a girl for the first time. It was our first year in college. Her name was Leah. I remember you said it felt like your lips was a love note and she was reading it carefully. While explaining, you did that thing with your eyes where you would roll them and smile at the same time then look away blushing and then you would look back slowly, biting your lower lip.

I always said that was my favorite sight of you and you only do it when you are extremely happy. I didn’t understand how you felt but being a big fan of Glee I thought you cool. Maybe you and Leah were going to be my very own Santana and Brittany.

I remember the next day at school, you pulled me to the restroom and locked the door behind us then checked if anyone was inside. I remember we were alone and I also remember what happened after you held my hand with tears in your eyes and made me promise not to tell anyone how you kissed a girl in fact we were never to talk about it again.

For a while we acted like nothing happened. I didn’t meet Leah and I didn’t ask either but I really wanted to.

Weeks after that I watched you and your boyfriend Ben act like the peach perfect couple everybody thought you were until the night you knocked on my door at 3 a.m. You had your heart on your hands, sad and crying. You said “I am tired” severally while crying and after that you fell asleep in my arms and I laid you on my bed. Remember how you hated the idea of me living alone? Well living alone came in handy that night because you cried so long and so loud that I was grateful I didn’t have a roommate.

I know how much you love pancakes so I woke up a few minutes past 10 and made them for you and served you breakfast on bed. You laughed at my effort and said “Are you hitting on me?”

You were laughing and that was all I wanted.

That day you told me “I am gay” then you cried a little more.

You cried like it was the worst thing that could have happened to you and I didn’t know anything smart to say to you so I just held you and stayed silent praying you don’t confuse my silence for something else.

You told me about the night you kissed Leah. She called you by midnight crying. Her boyfriend had beaten her up because of you. You were scared. She was scared. And I was….well I didn’t know what had happened.

I remember texting you later when you had left and I told you this changes nothing, you are still the most beautiful human I have met and I will always be on your team. And you simply replied “I heart you”. I never told you that after your message I cried and prayed for you. I prayed for strength for you because from several movies I had seen, I knew you would need it.

I have watched you be single for two years now since you left Ben. I have listened to your daydreams about the perfect girl. I have watched you smile when you talk about your fantasies and also watch the smile fade away from your face slowly. You always said things don’t happen in real life like it does in the movies. We are blacks. We are Africans. We are Nigerians. We are not wired to be gay.

You never call yourself gay except with me. I just want to tell you that you will be happy. At the end of it all, you will be happy. I won’t let you not be happy. I won’t let you marry a man out of obligations. I will run with you if we must but you will be happy.

And when I have a daughter of my own, I hope she has a friend like you. I would love it if she’s like you. We would both love acceptance into her blood and it will flow all over her being.

I know sometimes you feel alone especially those Friday nights when every other person has something to do or somewhere to go to with their lovers and you stay up watching Greys anatomy over and over again like it’s the first time you have seen that episode or season.

I know sometimes you crave intimacy and I can’t help. I would say kiss me but you are not my type. Grow a dick and maybe just maybe we will talk.

Listen to Dear Ex-lover by Jasmine Man. It’s a poetry that made me think about you.

I have a heart believe that what you are looking for is looking for you.

I hope you find her soon. I hope she finds you soon. Am rooting for you guys.

You are important. You are gay and it’s okay.

I love you.

 Have mercy upon me,

For yesterday my love laid on her bed waiting for me

But my body was on his bed.

I opened my legs and let him in and wait for that loud cry of his peak

For in your loving kindness,

You have given love with breasts

Who was waiting with food on her table

Wearing all her smiles as garment

Her arms waiting to hold my breaking soul as she helps me wash him off my skin

We drank and cried to our forbidden love.

The multitude of thy tender mercies,

For though he had my body and I his name,

She was tattooed on my heart

And when I lied about last night this morning

I wonder how he didn’t taste her on my lips.

-          Amarion

Picture above - Zanele-Muholi

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